“I’m Not…” by Ralph Wiley

Editor’s Note: Around midnight as I wrestled with the insomnia of an active mind, I saw this image appear in my Facebook newsfeed once again. While invoking a passing glance in the early afternoon, the combination of my rambling thoughts and the nighttime calm made me recall reading an essay during my adolescent years entitled “I’m Not…” by sports analyst and social critic Ralph Wiley from the text “Why Black People Tend To Shout”. In a brief two pages, Wiley employed a wry and satirical wit in order to surreptitiously attack a series of assumptions encountered by Black people in a society that has a terrible time sorting them as individuals.

Mistaken Identity

I am not a politician, therefore I don’t know where to go to have political buttons made up. If I did, I surely would go there now. I would be out the door this minute, on my way to ordering up about fifty millions buttons for Black (my capitalization) people. The buttons would say in simple, uncertain terms.

I’M NOT…

Next to I’M NOT would be a space for the Black button wearer to write in the necessary name of the moment. These buttons would cut down on confusion, because of the sad tendency of white people to think that every Black person they meet is just like the last Black person they saw.”

For example, if you are trying to negotiate a labor contract, or just trying to get a raise from a white boss or a loan from a white bank, you need a button that says:
I’M NOT GENE UPSHAW
If you are an actor, you need a button that says:
I’M NOT EDDIE MURPHY . . . BUT I MIGHT KNOW HIM
If you are stopped by a policeman for some traffic violation, whether real or imagined, you need a button:
I’M NOT CARRYING NARCOTICS
If you want to be President, you need:
I’M NOT JESSE
If you’re thinking of converting to Judaism, you need:
I’M NOT SAMMY DAVIS, JR.
If you want to be an educator, you need:
I’M NOT JOE CLARK
If you want to be a baseball hitter, you need:
I’M NOT JOE CLARK
If you want to be a dancer, you need:
I’M NOT BEN VEREEN OR MICHAEL JACKSON
If you just want to be left alone, you need:
I’M NOT READY FOR NO DAMN PAROLE BOARD
If you want to attract more attention, you need:
I’M NOT REALLY BLACK–THIS IS JUST A PHASE
If you want a taxi, you need:
I’M NOT HEADING UPTOWN
If you are African, you may need these:
I’M NOT KUNTA KINTE or I’M NOT IDI AMIN DADA
There would also be a universal button:
I’M NOT WHO YOU THINK I AM
If you want to be a writer, you’d probably want this:
I’M NOT RALPH WILEY, AND THANK GOD
If you want to work in the cabinet of the next administration, you will need a button that says:
I’M NOT FOR SALE

Unless of course you are for sale, in which case you’re on your own.